One80: Testimonies of Transformation

105: Whisper of Hope, Kim Lengling (PTSD)

• OneWay Ministries • Season 4 • Episode 105

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She threw the Bible; it opened itself.

“But those who hope in the Lord. . . “ 

Kim Lengling had no hope. Out of desperation she cried out to the God she didn’t believe existed and out of frustration threw a Bible she had never read. But at just the right moment, God intervened with a slight whisper. 

Kim was retired from the military, carrying PTSD with her. She thought God had abandoned her, but now she started attending church with skepticism, but she came back time and again. Learn why one day soon thereafter, she found herself skipping for joy out of church, hand in hand with her daughter. 

Kim shares the tools she now has to deal with her PTSD and anxiety, along with God’s help, how she helps others manage anxiety through her podcast Let Fear Bounce, and what she now thinks of Isaiah 40:31, the special verse God whispered to her.

Helpful Links:

Kim’s Podcast, Let Fear Bounce

Kim’s Book, Women’s Stories of Accomplishment, Encouragement, and Influence

Kim’s Book, When Grace Found Me: Real Life Stories of Women of Faith

Listing of Kim’s other books: www.kimlenglingauthor.com

Isaiah 40:31

National Center for PTSD

Wounded Warrior Project

One80 Episode 68: Navy Seal to God’s Warrior

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OneWay Ministries

Announcer:

Welcome to One80. Transforming testimonies from next door to across the globe. Be amazed at how God works to bring people to Himself. Share today's One80 with a friend. It might be the best news they hear today.

Kim Lengling:

My tears are falling on the pages, and in anger, I threw the Bible from me. It hit my floor and slid a couple feet away. I remember just sitting there saying, please, I what what's happening to me?

Margaret Ereneta:

Kim Lengling was desperate. She reached out to the God she didn't believe existed with a plea. And God answered her by whispering in her ear. This is Margaret Ereneta. Welcome to Kim's One80.

Kim Lengling:

Well, hello, everybody. My name is Kim Lengling, and I am coming to you from Northwest Pennsylvania. I'm going to share a little bit about my story. From growing up, from a young age, and growing up in the very small town that I grew up in, everyone went to church. And at school, all the kids talked about church. They talked about communion and they talked about all these things I had no idea about. I didn't understand what they were talking about because I wasn't raised in church. I didn't go to church. My mom felt ostracized, and so she stopped going and stopped taking us. She was a divorced mom of three and was not treated well, unfortunately. So she made the decision to not attend. And so we didn't. I didn't grow up with it.

Kim Lengling:

I'd never read the Bible. I had never even looked in the Bible. I didn't know any Bible verses. And that's how it was, my whole growing up years, my whole formative years. And when I graduated high school, I joined the military because being from a small, tiny town, I was just ready to get out. And I thought I'd see the world and, you know, do something amazing and join something much bigger than myself. And while serving in the military, I experienced trauma in the form of sexual assault by two individuals. And that that changed my whole outlook on life at a young age. So that that was very formative for me in how I viewed the world, how I viewed men. I had zero trust in anyone or anything, and especially God. I had convinced myself that he didn't exist. And if he did, where the hell had he been? And that's just about as honest as I can be on that. And I carried that with me for almost 15 years.

Margaret Ereneta:

Next you'll hear Kim explaining PTSD as a swirl.

Kim Lengling:

After I got out of the military, I carried that weight, that anger, that bitterness, but also that anxiety, sadness, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, all of these things, this swirl. And I would go through these swirls and not understand what it was. And I'm like, why am I always feeling like this? Why am I always feeling so down and dark? Why, you know, why can't I feel joy? And life went on. You know, I got married, had a daughter, still carrying all that weight with me, and still wondering, why can't I feel better?

Kim Lengling:

Until one day I found myself on my knees on the living room floor, sobbing. This is about 15 years after I got out of the military. Sobbing, those kind of gut-wrenching sobs that just shake your whole body. And I remember the whole time I was just crying out, please, please. And I didn't know who I was crying out to, and I didn't know what I was asking please for. I just know that I couldn't feel any worse. I had been brought to my knees. I couldn't stand, literally. And in that moment, I felt a whisper. And that's how I word it.

Kim Lengling:

I felt a whisper from behind. But those who hope in the Lord. And I just went, whatever. I'm losing my mind now. I'm on my knees crying. My brain is a swirl. I'm actually losing my mind because now I'm hearing stuff. And it came again. But those who hope in the Lord. And I actually turned to look behind me because I'm like, where is that? Where is that coming from? And I was so distraught. And I get a little worked up thinking about I was so distraught. And I thought, well, gosh, that sounds Bible-ish, doesn't it? I remember I'd never read the Bible and I didn't go to church, but I knew there was a Bible in my house because when I got married, someone gifted one to us.

Kim Lengling:

So I became a bit frantic looking for that Bible. And I ran through the house and I'm still sobbing, you know, doing this, wiping my nose on my shirt sleeve. I finally found the Bible and I went back downstairs to the living room floor and I just sat there on the living room floor and I opened up the book and I'm like, there's no index in here. How am I supposed to find anything? I had never read the Bible. I had no idea how to find anything. I became very frustrated. My tears are falling on the pages. And in anger, I threw the Bible from me. It hit my floor and slid a couple feet away. I remember just sitting there saying, Please, I what what's happening to me? And then for a third time, that whisper from behind. But those who hope in the Lord.

Margaret Ereneta:

And he directs her right to the Bible passage in the Bible that she opens. So amazing.

Kim Lengling:

And I felt a very strong nudge to take a deep breath, reach forward, slide that Bible back towards me, and I picked it up and looked down. And it was this as if words were brighter. "But those who hope in the Lord will soar in wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint". Now, today, that's my favorite verse, Isaiah 40, 31, but I had never read it, had never heard it. And that's what was there in front of me on my lap. And it was in that moment that something shifted in my heart.

Kim Lengling:

I felt this kind of a whoosh, a soft, gentle whoosh of peace. My sobbing settled down. I wasn't hyperventilating. I was able to settle a little bit. Now, did my life change and I became this beautiful Christian? No. But that moment changed something in me. A few weeks later, I started attending church, taking my young daughter with me. And I remember sitting in church, because I was still carrying a chip on my shoulder, I will be honest. I remember sitting in church on Sunday thinking, who is this guy up there talking about Jesus? He's full of it. And I would go in thinking that and I would leave thinking that. But I kept going back. I kept going back every Sunday until one day, it was actually an Easter Sunday service in the local high school gym because the church had burnt down. 150-year-old church had burnt to the ground.

Kim Lengling:

So we had Easter in the local high school gym and it was packed. And I remember the pastor praying a prayer of salvation and asking God to come into each individual's heart. And we were each holding the person on either side of us' hand of who we were sitting beside. And I had my daughter's hand in one on my left, and on the right hand side, a gentleman, and I just I don't know him. I just remember he had white hair and piercing blue eyes and a big cast on his arm. So I was holding onto his pinky finger. And I remember as that prayer was being said by the pastor, my whole body broke out into goosebumps.

Kim Lengling:

I kind of started shaking a little bit, and I had tears just pouring. And I saw them falling on my lap. And I remember turning to my daughter, and she's looking at me and she's like, Oh, Mummy, because she was little. Her eyes just got so big, and she's like, Mommy. And then I turned to my right to that gentleman who I was holding his pinky finger, and I just whispered, Do you feel that? And his smile was, I can't, it's so hard to describe. It was like a bright, bright light on me. And he just said, Praise Jesus. And when that sermon was done and church was over, and my daughter, they we did the final songs and singing, they were real lively. And I remember, and I will never forget that day.

Margaret Ereneta:

So beautiful. This next part is really cool. So she goes from this day of turmoil where she's hyperventilating to literally skipping out the door at church.

Kim Lengling:

I remember my daughter and I, I had her hand. I think she's maybe five or six years old. I had her hand, and we're walking out the high school gym doors, and she starts skipping and humming the song that was last sung. And I just looked down at her and I'm like, I feel like that too right now. So I started skipping. So my daughter and I skipped all the way to the car, humming and singing the words that we could remember to that song, and just giggling and laughing. And it was just, I hadn't felt like that in so long. And that was the beginning for me of continuing to go to church.

Kim Lengling:

I kept going every Sunday, started attending life group classes, started attending Sunday school. A few years into it, I was asked to be part of the praise and worship team. So I sang on the praise and worship team for close to 15 years, and the church became my family. And to look back now where I was, I realized when I was on my knees on the floor that day, crying out, please, I now realize that I was crying out to God, to that very same God I had told myself I didn't believe in. But how can you cry out to something that doesn't exist? You know, so there must have been that little kernel, that little mustard seed stuck in my heart somewhere, because it was at that moment that that shift happened. And I'm so very thankful.

Margaret Ereneta:

Next I asked him if that weight lifted. Sometimes it's gone. Sometimes that weight lifts and we're gone. And other times it's still there. It's something manageable with Christ. And so that's what happened to her.

Kim Lengling:

The weight did lift, it's never gone completely away, though. And that's me. I know that that's me. And as humans, and I we all do it. We will give it to God like we're supposed to, and then we take it back. You know, why do we do this to ourselves? I know I've done it. And I still struggle with you know, I still live with PTSD. And that that formed a big part of who I am now. I know now I am much more empathetic, I have much more tolerance, I have much more uh patience and much more much more capacity to care.

Kim Lengling:

And then I have found that now I talk to God regularly, every day. I have a just a normal conversation with him. I people are like, you know, pray, pray, pray. And I'm like, you know, I don't know how to pray per se, but I do I do talk a lot to God, and I know that that's a prayer, and he gets it. You know, he gets what I'm saying, what I'm feeling before I even say it. But I've recognized that when I do stumble, at least I recognize, like, oh, hey, Kim, let's uh, you know, not do that again, or not let's not think that way again. And I will ask God's forgiveness.

Margaret Ereneta:

Next, Kim has some really helpful advice for those who might be living with PTSD and how she manages it.

Kim Lengling:

And then that's when I also realized, oh gosh, the demands coming perched on my shoulder again. So that's how I look at it when I have bad days, because I I have days and time frames of the year that I struggle just a bit more with my PTSD. And that's when I have to be very vigilant because I'll have nightmares and I'll have flashbacks and things like that. And but I've also in those moments had these amazing experiences of a God moment that are unexplainable. And the way that God can remind me, or I always say he gives me little nudges, but sometimes if I'm sitting there judging or something, and then all of a sudden I'll feel like major conviction, I'll be like, oh, now he's not just nudging, he's hitting me with a two by four.

Kim Lengling:

You know, he's like, come on, Kim, get your attention here, stop it. So I do the best I can, just like we all do, just like we all do. And I I do daily devotions. Um, I'm going through the Psalms now, actually. I just started doing that a few months ago, a psalm a day. And to me, that's been very interesting. And I I learned something new all the time. And I don't know how it is for the folks that are listening or watching, but when you read a Bible verse and you'll be like, oh, that's one of my favorite.

Kim Lengling:

Have you ever gone back to it or come across it somewhere else and read it again? And it has a whole new meaning to you. But yeah, it's uh it's been an interesting, uh, interesting journey, and I'm excited. I'm excited to see where it takes me next, you know? Because life's life's bumpy. It's not guaranteed that we're gonna have an easy ride. Mine hasn't been easy. Heck, the last two years have been pretty tough, but there's always a nugget of hope to be found. Always.

Margaret Ereneta:

Kim has another really cool thing she does to help manage her fear and anxiety. She actually does a podcast called Let Fear Bounce. So she talks about that.

Kim Lengling:

And that started actually when the world changed at the beginning of the pandemic. I had lost my job along with millions and millions of other people, and I found myself stuck at home. And I was talking to God, saying, All right, now what am I gonna do? And the word fear uh was everywhere. It felt like it was being shoved at us through the media, radio, everywhere. Fear, fear, fear. And so I thought, I gotta let this stuff bounce. There's just, you know, God's got this.

Kim Lengling:

And I felt very strongly that I was supposed to just do it, just start it. And I called it Let Fear Bounce. I invited a few friends on and said, Hey, talk about your fears. That was pretty much it. But it's evolved over five years, and I ask folks to share you know their story, but what fears they've faced within their story because I want the listeners to know they're not alone, to know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling, feel it, acknowledge it, and then sweep it out the back door. Don't let it settle, don't let it stay. That's why I named my podcast Let Fear Bounce.

Margaret Ereneta:

From my last question to Kim, I said, Why do you think the Lord picked Isaiah 40:31 for you? And what does that verse mean to you now? So cool what she said.

Kim Lengling:

I like that question. I think at that point in my life, and I had just I was in the Air Force, very patriotic, still am to this day, really patriotic, and a very big advocate for veterans and those who struggle with PTSD. I think that it was those words because he knew that that's what would get my attention soaring on wings like eagles, because the eagle is the symbol of our country. It's majestic, it's also powerful, and they have to be resilient to be able to survive, you know, to just flap those big old beautiful wings and soar across the sky. It's just amazing to watch one. And I always get just filled with awe and wonder when I see one flying across the field where I live.

Kim Lengling:

They must have a nest somewhere. And I just stop and just go, so I think that he knew because I'm so I love nature and I'm always out there. That's where I breathe, that's where I pray. And I think that he knew. Well, of course, I don't think I know. He knew exactly how to get my attention with that exact verse. Because to me, saying soaring on wings like eagle, that's bringing nature all into it. And today it still means the same thing to me. Stay strong, be resolved. That's that's such a good word. Resolved. Yeah, yeah. So to me, it's still means the same thing today. I actually have it framed with this beautiful picture of an eagle to my left right now, hangs on my wall in my office. So when I walk in my office door, that's the first thing I see every morning. And I read it or say it out loud, and just like, thank you, God. Appreciate that.

Margaret Ereneta:

I wanted to end today's show with Kim reading Isaiah 4031 for us. So here she is.

Kim Lengling:

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.

Margaret Ereneta:

And thank you so much for listening.

Announcer:

One80 is brought to you by One Way Ministries. Exalt Christ, advance his gospel.

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Margaret Ereneta

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Ryan Henry

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